Just kickin' down the cobblestones

For a time while I was in college, I perpetuated a awful joke that an aunt of mine with a particularly dry (bad?) sense of humor told me (and potentially authored). It went something like this:

One day I was driving down the road when I looked over to the side of the ditch, and I noticed a particularly sad, lonely, pathetic looking tree. It looked so sorry sitting there that I decided to pull over my car. I walked up to the tree with its drooping limbs and sad looking face, and I said to the tree, "What are you doing?" The tree replied, 'I'm leavin'!"

Although I am not as forlorn as this tree on the side of the road, I, too, am leavin' and have left." For my entire adult life, I have practiced a lifestyle of left and leaving, always starting something and already looking forward to the end and what might be next. This return to Estonia is no different and yet it is not the same.

On my journey to Tartu on AirBaltic, I picked up their in-flight magazine. Browsing through the articles, I found an interview with Robert Cottrell (British journalist living in Riga) entitled "The Professional Expatriate." I have a visceral reaction to the term expatriate that could be discussed in a post of its own at another time, but, at the same time, I do recognize that it might be a label that some unwittingly apply to me after leaving so often. Intrigued, and jet-lagged, I read on. One passage resonated with me in particular:

But like anything else, you get better at being foreign the longer you do it... the longer you spend traveling in different countries, the more you start to think that everything is special and everything has its own merit. It's own reason to be. You start trying to understand things in their own terms rather than in comparison with some other system, whether it's your own or anything else." (Rihards Kalnins, Baltic Outlook, p. 39).

The quotation spoke to me on this return to a new foreign place as well as to my identity as somewhat of a ... gulp ... ex-pat. The return to my Estonian self nearly four years since I first arrived in Tartu in 2006 and the affectionate moniker given me by an Estonian friend, EestiJenn, has been characterized with a familiar sense of belonging and knowing as well as discovery. Life in Tartu, for the moment, just is life, perhaps not as it would be anywhere else, and feels exactly as it should be. Although I don't have to wander around aimlessly looking for the local market or a good bank, there is plenty to discover and to see. However, it feels more normal and more regular, as if this were a place I can just be. And this is good. I may be leavin' again someday, but for the moment I will appreciate Estonia, Tartu, life, and myself on the basis of their own merits and reasons to be.

So... the same question asked to the tree begs to be answered, "What are you doin'?"

This question has been posed by American, Estonian, and international friends all alike. I might as well attempt to answer it. I am simply trying to make it all work -- marriage, life, work, me -- through a sort of drastic intervention via a tiny Baltic country, a few glasses of beer, and a casual re-examination of my personal state of affairs. I have chosen to land back in Estonia as my husband's sidekick (lots of kicking at his side). I am already getting rather used to the idea of being at his side -- it's great to revisit our favorite places in the place where we first got to know one another. I am, however, still kicking. After some busy semesters teaching and surviving, I am also taking a breather to refocus and take some creative looks at future directions and possibilities. I would like to attempt to redefine life to be less about me and what I do (hence, it is a bit ridiculous for me to even bother tackling the posed question!). I think I want to recapture a "SLOW LIVING" movement and enjoy the minutes that pass me by (see SlowPlanet.com for inspiration).

Some ideas for this slow time (Why do I have to tell you what I am doing if the point is that I am not defining myself by what I do? Some habits are impossible to suppress.):

• Eesti Keel ja Kultur: I am going to take some university courses.
• Visit the farmers' market and cook up tasty dishes to share.
  
• Host friends and visitors.
  
• Give.
  
• Knit: I learned the basics last week and already have a square -- and it is rather slow going for my impatient and still clumsy fingers. Y'all may not have new hats and scarves this holiday season but I may just finish one pair of slippers!
• Run: Inspired by a visit to Stockholm two years ago, I've signed up to run my first marathon in May 2011. 26.2. I've never attempted such an athletic feat, but I am positive that I can do it... and that it is perhaps something I should do (just once!) in my life.
• Dance: We've already done our homework, and some ballroom is already in the works.
  
• Read good and challenging things and some detective novels too.
  
• Think.
• Teach: Irresistible to mention (this identity is such a strong feature) but in my semester off, I will teach a couple of classes in the Open University system here (mostly for part-time students who work during the week and take classes on the weekend and/or evenings) about teaching and language.
• Breathe.
• Laugh.
  
• Be EestiJenn.
  

(this will be me!)

In the end, I'm leavin' (aren't we all?) but I am also rooted in the here and now, so I will just be. After all, "Julge pealhakkamine on pool voitu" (a good beginning is half the battle). .