A red toenail tribute

A time to keep silence... My blog has been pretty quiet lately. I guess that is because I, too, have been feeling a little bit quiet these late autumn days. The gray days here in Tartu are perfect for quiet reflection and even a bit of brooding, and I guess I have had a few things on my heart that weren't ready for sharing quite yet.

A time to speak... Tonight I did a major house cleaning and later showered and painted my toenails bright red. They are really bright and shiny and actually kind of pretty. I don't usually prefer red polish or even wear it during the winter, but I painted them in a tribute to a very special woman, my grandmother who peacefully passed away two weeks ago today.

A time to mourn... You would think that it would be quite easy to say goodbye to someone who hasn't around for a while. My grandmother was in the nursing home after suffering from one or more strokes a few years ago. On my visits to see her over the past four years, she hasn't usually recognized me or often times even herself. Pleasant enough I suppose, her existence was a strange one of living amongst other equally disoriented elderly people. Knowing that her time finally came and she left us gently to find peace is very comforting to me.

A time to weep and a time to laugh... I take this night and this time to remember a woman who was a true lady and, at the same time, begin to let her go. My grandmother, whom I often called "Grandma Casper" to distinguish her from my other grandmother by using the place where she lived was colorful, distinctive, and dignified woman. Here are a few memories of those things that made her special:

• In the fashion of her times, my grandmother had two first names rather than a first and middle. Although spelled with a space between them, her name was Mary Ellen and never just Mary or simply Ellen.
• She loved ice cream, sweets, and popcorn, and, much to my delight as a child, she always had a candy dish full of hard candy (the best ones were butterscotches) in her living room when we visited.
• For most of my childhood, my grandmother lived in a big, old house two and a half hours south of my hometown. My brother and I spent a week visiting every summer, and we spent hours sorting through an old wooden toy box on the porch and discovering toys my mom and uncle had when they were kids (a seeming impossibility at the time -- how could such grownups have once been little? ). The basement was stuffed with boxes and discoveries just waiting to be made. We made trains out of boxes and spent afternoons navigating the backyard with them.
• When I was a little bit older, I would get up early to go walking at the mall in Casper with my grandma. After morning exercise, we treated ourselves to cinnamon raisin biscuits dripping with frosting at Hardee's.
• She had a signature dish that she fixed for my mom, homemade chicken and noodles. The aroma filled the whole house and it was the yummiest part of a visit. She also had these special multi-colored dishes in that house that we always ate on. I loved them because everyone got a different colored plate.
• For the holidays, she always made a kind of pistachio salad with whipped cream and maraschino cherries. She liked to make celebrations special in some way and often brought small, seasonally-shaped chocolates that she propped up beside each dinner place setting.
• She was a competitive and quick-witted Scrabble fiend. She always played for points, and I can remember serious games being played after dinner on our visits.
• Grandma Casper wore her hair backcombed with a little curl in the front and went to the "beauty shop" to have her hair done once a week. She maintained it carefully between visits by wrapping her hair and tucking it into a hairnet at night. In my memories, she also wears blue eyeshadow and bright red lipstick. As a girl, I remember getting my own hairnet to wear to bed so that I could be like my grandma.
• Her cars were always Buicks and, before driven, they had to be to be shiny and clean.
• She was a loyal Wyomingite and UW Cowboy football fan. We traveled to California twice to watch the Cowboys lose the Holiday Bowl -- the entire family decked out in matching brown and gold!
• Every summer, she made the best strawberry preserves that I can ever remember eating. When visiting, we ate them on toast at breakfast time while Grandma did the crossword from the newspaper.
• More than these particulars, I remember my grandmother as a lady who may have seemed fussy at times but had a lot of dignity. One of her signature features was her long, beautifully painted fingernails and her toes which were always, always painted a bright and brilliant red.

A time to dance... Thinking about my grandmother as she was when she was still a lady is much better than contemplating some of her final and rather incoherent days. I am happy to know she is now in peace and I am glad I have so many fine memories of who she was. Looking at my red toenails peaking over the top of my laptop as I sit here, makes me smile and dance in celebration of who she was. So, I post this red toenailed tribute in honor of my grandmother, knowing that she is still with me and hoping that she watches on with a smile and brightly colored toes.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-